Friday, November 11, 2011

a world without

Have not written in a while, too heartbroken and angry.  I did not want to write in anger.  I did not know what to write. 

Grandma has been gone since the 25th.  Day before my birthday.  I took Mom out west for the hardest and worst trip of my life.  I got the chance to spend a lot of time getting to know my cousins better.  Nothing like being in a house filled with anger and stress to help you bond. 

I am now praying for my aunt, that she get the help she needs, counseling, medicine, clergy all three. 
I am praying for my Uncle to survive this mess as the strong gentle man I know he is. 
I am praying for their marriage. 
I am praying for my cousin who because he lives there has been my aunt's confidant in too much. 
I am praying my mother learns to take responsibility for her health care and gets organized. 

I am praying for myself to learn that the most important familial obligations are the ones who live under my roof and to learn to say no and mean it when my parents want me to do something or put me into a situation where they want everything but are unwilling to do even the most basic things to help themselves.  I love all of them, but they are grown ups and I have other people to care for and worry about that are not. I want to help my family, but they need so much and it is always so stressful and anger filled and never enough. Last time I went out west my Uncle made an offhand comment about how I am an obedient daughter.  I told him I was not, but I think he is right, I am the dutiful daughter and I realize that the stress is breaking me.  I am really having a hard time with all of this and I can feel myself slowly slide into depression.  I can not do that again.  I will not allow myself to get back to a place where I really could not see the light.  I owe my children a good and happy life.  My husband deserves my hand in his, my efforts working to our goals and family.

This time while awful has brought a lot of introspection. My children are coloring pictures to sent to my grandpa. 

I am glad I went, Grandma was sent off with a prayer shawl, the rug I knit her, a sweater in yellow she knit, a ball of whit yarn with a project on the needles, and an extra ball of soft red and needles, at the last minute grandpa slipped in her favorite sandals (grandma was always worried about getting to heaven barefoot). We included a postcard of her hometown that shows the building the entire extended family went to after her mother's and sisters' funerals. 

Now I just have to figure out how to live in a world without her. 


  1. I have been thinking and praying for you and your family, Julia. I am sorry to hear your grandmother has passed and that the family drama is still being fanned.

    Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you. Happy belated birthday.

  2. Thank you so much. I thought of you too. I am hoping that this family drama is mostly just stress and hurt feelings, and that after a while and maybe some counseling for my uncle's wife, we will all be ok. My aunt is not dealing well and was beyond her limit of stress before grandma got sick. Instead of drawing comfort and strength from her family she is lashing out at them. She doesn't work and has no close girlfriends. I hope she finds someone to hear her, because there really are things you tell your girlfriend that you don't tell your nieces or your kids. My Uncle loves her very much and hopefully be able to help her. I love her and wish her only the best. I have the luxury of doing that from my house rather than hers, which is much more comfortable.

    My mother needs so much care all the time, and goes out of her way to need more often. She had my sister (who has MS), my uncle and me all running to get everything she needed handled while getting everything that actually needed to be done. With everyone nerves and heart raw it was too much. & a side from threatening to leave her in the airport while I was carrying more than my body weight in her luggage, we did okay. I really don't want to travel with her for a long while, though. Basically, just caregiver stress.

    The other sides drama seems to be resolving, through grace and me getting so frustrated I threatened to quit. I am not certain, that I can actually, but they are all being reasonable and civil so while they are I am getting as much done as I can.

    My Aunt (out west) told me one really useful thing, just take a deep breath and walk away for a while if it is too much, you don't have to make them right you just have to get it done.